Humor
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
3. When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report for duty.
4. The church is prayer-conditioned.
5. Plan ahead -- it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
6. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
7. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch 'em and God will clean 'em.
8. Come in and pray today -- beat the Christmas rush!
9. How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?
10. This is a CH_ _ CH. What's missing? (U R)
11. A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows Jesus' father's name?" Another little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge 'n' Mary."
12. The secret of patience is to do something else in the meantime.
13. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.{the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church}
14. There are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up and say,"Good Lord, it's morning." 

15. Giving advice does not qualify as charity!

16. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case!
17. People are kind, polite and sweet-spirited---until you try to sit in their pew!
18. Many people want to serve God, but only as advisers.
19. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but Mosquitoes come close.
20. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the door forever.
21. If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
22. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
23. Knowing the Scripture is one thing; knowing the Author is another.
24. Gossip is ear pollution.
25. Children are a great help in old age; sometimes they help you get there faster.

26. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
27. We don't change the message, the message changes us.
28. Forbidden fruits create many jams.
29. Prepare and prevent, rather than repair and repent.
30. Take care to distinguish Need from Greed.
31. Some people are like blisters - they show up after the work is done.
32. The only people you should get even with are those who have helped you.
33. God helps those who help others rather than themselves.
34. People never get dizzy from doing good turns.
35. The Golden Rule never tarnishes.
36. Prayer is one four letter word you can use anywhere.


537. More important that length of life is how we spend each day.
38. Swallow your pride occasionally - it is 100% calorie-free.
39. You are only poor when you want more than you have.
40. You teach more with your life than with your lips.

41. We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
42. Stop, Drop and Roll won't work in Hell.
43. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
44. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
45. A 3-year old's ending to the Lord's Prayer; "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail."

Answers written by children:
46. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
47. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. 
48. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
49. Samson was a strongman who let himself by led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
50. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
51. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
52. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
53. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
54. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
55. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews into the battle of Geritol.
56. The greatest miracle is the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
57. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
58. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
59. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
60. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger.
61. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
62. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
63. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man does not live by sweat alone.
64. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
65. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
66. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
67. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
68. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
69. Christians have only one spouse. The is called monotony.

70. MOTHER
God took the fragrance of a flower, the majesty of a tree,
the gentleness of morning dew, the calm of a quiet sea,
The beauty of the twilight hour, the soul of a starry night,
the laughter of the rippling brook, the grace of a bird in flight,
the tender care of an angel, the faith of the mustard seed,

the patience of eternity, the depth of a family's need...
The, God fashioned from these things a creation like no other,
and when His masterpiece was through, He called it simply---
MOTHER.

71. BEATITUDES FOR FRIENDS OF THE AGED
Blessed are they who understand my faltering step and palsied hand.
Blessed are they who know that my ears today must strain to catch the things they say.
Blessed are they who seem to know that my eyes are dim and my wits are slow.
Blesses are they who looked away when coffee spilled at the table today.
Blessed are they with a cheery smile who stop to chat of a little while.
Blessed are they who never say You've told that story twice today.
Blessed are they who know the ways to bring back memories of yesterdays.
Blessed are they who make it known that I'm loved, respected, and not alone.
Blessed are they who know I'm at a loss to find the strength to carry the Cross.
Blessed are they who ease the ways on my journey home in loving ways.

72. A FIREMAN'S PRAYER
When I am called to duty, God, whenever flames may rage,
Give me the strength to save some life whatever be its age.
Help me embrace a little child before it is too late.
or save an older person from the horror of that fate.
Enable me to be alert, and hear the weakest shout
and quickly and efficiently to put the fire out.
I want to fill my calling and to give the best in me,
to guard my every neighbor and protect his property.
And if according to my fate I am to lose my life,

Please bless with your protecting hand my children and my wife.

73. The most important things in life are not things.
74. Cheerfulness is what greases the axles of the world; some people go through life creaking.
75. The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
76. The hand that lift the cup of cheers should not be used to shift the gears.
77. Common honesty should be more common.
78. The man who kneels to God can stand up to anything.
79. If a sermon pricks our conscience, it must have some good points. 
80. Love will find a way - indifference will find an excuse.
81. Don't resent growing old; many are denied the privilege.
82. Every sunrise is God's greeting; the sunset is His signature.
83. Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.
84. A smile is a gently curved line that sets a lot of things straight.
85. The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does.

86. You are young only once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
87. If folks did not carry gossip, it would not go so far.
88. If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money on them.
89. Too many people are like the wheelbarrow; not much good unless pushed and easily upset.
90. If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
91. The Christian life doesn't get easier, it gets better.
92. One minute of keeping your mouth shut is worth one hour of explanation.
93. Faith is like a muscle and prayer is the exercise that helps it grow.
94. Experience is a good teacher, but a hard one. She gives the test first and the lesson afterward.
95. Everybody wants to live a long time, but nobody wants to get old! (MY FAVORITE SO FAR CC)

96. Failure is the opportunity to begin again, only more intelligently.
97. One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning.
98. Some people think God is like medicine - you do not need Him when you are well.

99. The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour.
100. To have integrity is to be good when nobody is looking.
101. Discipline yourself so others won't have to.
102. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
103. Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.
104. The young man knows the rulse, but the old man knows the exceptions.
105. Many people treat the Bible like a drunk treats a lightpost; for support, not illumination.
106. People who say something is impossible should not interrupt those who are managing to get it done.
107. Without faith, we are as stained glass windows in the dark.
108. Blowing out the other fellow's candle will not make yours shine any beighter.
109. Nearly everyone is in favor of going to Heaven, but too many are hoping to live long enough to see an easing of entrance requirements.

110. The largest room in the world is room for improvement.
111. People get into debt to keep up with those who are.
112. God made man to be somebody - not just to have things.
113. It takes courage to stand up and speak as well as to sit down and listen.
114. Few are wise enough to judge others or have grace enough to resist doing it.
115. Christianity helps us to face the music, even when we do not like the tune.
116. There are hundreds of languages in the world, but the smile of a mother speaks all of them.
117. A good marriage is like a casserole. Only those responsible for it really know what goes into it.
118. The worst danger that confronts the younger generation is a bad example set by the older generation.
119. The angel fetched Peter out of prison, but it was prayer that fetched the angel.
120. Serious trouble comes when the New Year's resolutions collide with the old year's habits.

121. "The Lord's Prayer" set to the tune of "Away in a Manger"
Our Father in heaven, all praise to Your name!

Your kingdom among us, Your will done the same
By mortals and angels. Come, Lord, reign alone:
Oh, hear us and bless us from heaven's high throne.
The bread that we yearn for provide us each day;
As we forgive others, our sins take away;
In times of temptation to lead us be near;
From evil deliver Your children most dear.
For Yours is the kingdom; o'er all things You reign.
And Yours is the power; all things You maintain.
To You be the glory, resounding again
From all of creation, forever! Amen.

122. The Jelly Bean Prayer
RED is for the blood He gave
GREEN is for the grass He made
YELLOW is for the sun so bright
ORANGE is for the edge of night
BLACK is for the sins we made
WHITE is for the grace He gave
PURPLE is for our hour of sorrow
PINK is for our new tomorrow
A handful of jelly beans colorful and sweet
Is a prayer, is a promise, is a loved one's treat.

123. - from one of the congregation...
As a minister was completing a sermon on temperance, with great emphasis he said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd pour it in the river! And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd also pour it in the river. And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd pour that in the river, too!"
Sermon completed, he sat down.
The choir director stood very cautiously and, while trying to suppress a smile, announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn No. 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.' "

124. "The Apostles Creed" to the tune of "Ode to Joy"
I believe in God, the Father
Maker of the earth and sky;
And His only Son, Christ Jesus,
Who came thither from on high.
Made true man, by God the Spirit,
He was born of Mary pure;
Suffered under Pontius Pilate,
All our human ills to cure.
Crucified, and dead, and buried,
Down to hell He took His way;
But He rose again with power,
On the morn of Easter Day.
Now gone up once more to Heaven,
Sits He at His Father's right,
Till, to judge the dead and living,
He shall come in glory bright.
I believe in God, the Spirit,
In one Church below, above,
Joining all the saints together,
in one fellowship of love.
I believe in God's forgiveness,
I believe my flesh shall rise;
and I look for life unending
in my home beyond the skies.

125. SENIORS' VERSION of JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know, 
Though my hair is white as snow, 
Though my sight is growing dim, 
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. 
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow, 
With my hand in His I'll go, 
On through life, let come what may, 
He'll be there to lead the way (CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long, 
In my heart He puts a song, 
Telling me in words so clear, 
"Have no fear, for I am near." (CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done, 
And life's victories have been won. 
He will take me home above, 
Then I'll understand His love. (CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know? 
Have I ever told Him so? 
Jesus loves to hear me say, 
That I love Him every day. (CHORUS)

126. A Little Christian Humor
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. 
They faxed. 
They e-mailed. 
They e-mailed with attachments.. 
They downloaded. 
They did spreadsheets! 
They wrote reports. 
They created labels and cards. 
They created charts and graphs. 
They did some genealogy reports . 
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed....
Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. 
Satan observed this and became irate. 
'Wait!' he screamed. That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' 
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!

127. The only people you should get even with are those who have helped you.
128. Jesus Christ founded his kingdom on the weakest link of all - a baby.
129. Prayer to Start the Day

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank You.

130. The Candy Cane Legend (one version-there are many)
A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would be a witness for his Savior, so he made the Christmas Candy Cane. He incorporated several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. The white symbolizes the Virgin Birth (Is. 7:14,; Luke 1:26-35) and the sinless nature of Jesus (1 John 3:5). the hardness of the candy symbolizes the Solid Rock (1 Cor. 10:4), the foundation of the Church (Mt.16:18), and the firmness of the promises of God(Ps. 18:30-32). The candy maker made the candy into the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to the earth as our Savior (1 John 3:16-17) and a symbol to represent the staff of the Good Shepard (John 10:14). The candy maker decided to stain it with red stripes, representing the stripes Jesus received prior to His crucifixion (Mark 15:15-20) for our healing (Is. 53:5). The large red stripe represents the shedding of His blood on the cross for our salvation (Rom. 5:9; Eph. 1:7).

131. Theme Songs for Bible Characters:
Noah - Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head
Adam & Eve - Strangers in Paradise
Lazarus - The SecondTtime Around
Esther - I Feel Pretty
Job - I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues
Moses - The Wanderer
Jezebel - The Lady is a Tramp
Samson - Hair
Salome - I Could Have Danced All Night
Daniel - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Joshua - Good Vibrations
Peter - I'm Sorry
Esau - Born to Be Wild
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego - Great Balls of Fire!
The Three Kings - When You Wish Upon a Star
Jonah - Got a Whale of a Tale
Elijah - Up, Up, and Way
Methuselah - Stayin' Alive
Nebuchadnezzar - Crazy

132. Litany of Remembrance
(2013 Catskill Area Hospice/Gates of Prayer, Reform Jewish Prayer Book)
Those who live no more are with us still in our thoughts and words.
Who they were and what they did will always be a part of us and what we have become at this moment.
At the rising of the sun and its going down, we remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them.
In the darkness of the evening and the brightness of the dawn, we remember them.
On the dark days and the brilliant day, we remember them.
At the beginning of the day, and when it ends, we remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.
When we have joy we are aching to share, we remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make, we remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs, we remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live; they are a part of us and always...we remember them.


133.  Getting into Heaven
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, has a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then, how cam I get to Heaven?"
In the back of the room, a five year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

134. Desmond Tutu says...
For those who are to preach, it is customary in my country that the preacher kneel for prayer before entering the pulpit.  The daughter of one of my clergy noticed her father praying Sunday after Sunday as he prepared to mount the pulpit.  She asked her daddy what he prayed for.  The priest replied that he was asking God to help him preach a better sermon, whereupon the child asked, "Well, why doesn't He?"